Ever had a problem ending a terminally diseased relationship? Maybe your love was unrequited, but you were still obsessed with the person. Or more than likely, when you realized that this person had NO LONG TERM POTENTIAL, you still kept going back trying to rewrite history. Jerry Seinfeld likens break-ups to trying to turn over a big vending machine. You can never just push it over in one try. First, you must get it rocking, then finally, with enough leverage, down it goes.
I could be the world's worst at quick, clean endings. It's something I'm getting better at though. (Practice, practice, practice!) In the medical world a DNR is an advanced directive written by a physician or individual that resuscitation should not be attempted if a person suffers cardiac or respiratory arrest. Such orders may be instituted when resuscitation would not alter the outcome of a disease and is designed to prevent unnecessary suffering. It is commonly ordered when someone has an inevitably, fatal illness. DNR: DO NOT RESUSCITATE! Hello? Listen up people--I see a correlation here!
I have for many years followed the research of Doctor Helen Fisher. She is an anthropologist that has studied the effects of romantic love on our biology. With all her studies, she has become one of the most sympathetic of all to the plight of the broken-hearted. The pain of the jilted shows up in brain scans! For heaven's sake, these people are really hurting. The same centers that are activated when on cocaine are lit up in the brains of those that suffer from love's dis-ease. Evidently, when we experience rejection, we actually become more engulfed by feelings of love. We recalculate over and over our perceived loss. Intense focus on the beloved and intense motivation may cause us to risk all for love. Emily Dickinson said, "Parting is all we need to know of Hell".
So, we see and have felt the sting of love lost. Now, thanks to modern science, we have proof that heartbreak is more than just some surface affectation. What behaviors can help to overcome the intensity of emotion? Have we any hope of mitigating the pain? Have we any tools to help keep us from crashing through the window of our beloved when they are sleeping (already!) with someone new? (This actually happened to a guy friend.) Oh, yes, dear pilgrims, once in a blue moon a GRANDE GESTURE will win your loved one back and you may live happily ever after. And may I say, bravo, if that is what is merited. However, for those of us that knew all along that we were with MR. or MRS. WRONGO the pain still feels the same. We must simple have a directive: DNR.
Do Not Resuscitate this doomed and diseased relationship. DNR and you will save yourself much unnecessary suffering. Do not call while drunk! Do not allow them to come by to get some of the basil that you lovingly planted together. Do not cave in when he calls you needing a new toothbrush, and only you know the right brand. (This was my personal favorite--I went and bought the toothbrush, too.) Above all don't do anything that will get you arrested.
There is no remedy that will give immediate relief. Eventually, the dopamine centers will quiet. In time, the attachment will fade. One day you will be able to say, "All I have left of you are my cherished misconceptions". And all the faster if you DNR!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Why is life so unpredictable?
Ever find yourself thinking, "Wow, that's unbelievable! I'm stunned" in reference to some event that has transpired in your life? Ten years ago would you have accurately predicted where you are today? How about five years ago? Even three days ago? Perhaps more exciting or scary, what will your life be like in another ten years, five years or even three days! Why is life so unpredictable?
We are by nature planners, schemers, organizers, and list makers. We try to control the paths we take daily. But big unpredictable events insinuate themselves into our lives challenging us to stay dynamic rather than static. I have been studying some scientific research and it is enlightening to learn that particle physicists have found amazing correlations in the behavior of subatomic particles. You know, ATOMS. The building blocks that we are formed with. The way in which particles interact with each other in the microcosm is very reflective of the way in which we up here in the big world interact with each other. Fascinating! Is there something to be learned from this? Why, yes I think so.
The laws of atomic physics are expressed as probabilities. An atomic event cannot be predicted with certainty; it is only likely to occur. The whereabouts of atomic particles-electron, neutrons and protons-cannot be stated in concrete terms. In fact, atomic particles have no meaning as isolated entities, but can only be understood as they interact with each other. Whoa! That blows my mind. So, even the basic substances of which I consist are not able to be isolated and studied with out interaction and reference to other particles and the RESEARCHERS. They can only show that there is a probability that a particle will be at a certain place at any given time.
That's just crazy good! I see so many parallels here to human behaviors and interactions. It speaks of the way in which we relate to one another and the physical world around us that is also teeming with vibrating energy. This is what is; the probabilities and the dynamic possibilities that are beyond knowing and quite unpredictable.
How does one deal with this seeming instability? Truly, we awaken to a world of surprises every day. The wise sages, and spiritual leaders that have left their impact upon the world counsel us to assume an attitude of acceptance and non-resistance to the vicissitudes of life. One of my favorite writers, David Richo, counsels an unconditional, "YES!" to all that we encounter on this ever changing landscape of our lives. The Buddhist's noble truth #1 states that the characteristic of the human condition is frustration/sufferring which is caused by our not accepting the transitory and impermenent state. Suffering arises when we resist the flow of life and cling to fixed forms. (Which science proves only appear to be 'fixed'.) One should desire to be awakened and move beyond the intellect's distinctions. Jesus advises us to be anxious for nothing, and to cast our cares upon the Master. The knowledge and force that has caused this universe to exist works in us and through us to perfect what is and what is to be. Can you trust that kind of power? Can you meet the unpredictable event and shout "YES!" in that moment? Frankly, I'm workin' on it.
The challenge here is to face with optimism and freshness the unpredictable nature of nature. To be alert, open and fresh rather than hardened, stale and closed. Relax into spontaneity and fearlessness, turn away from anxiety and dread. Ultimately, we are defined by our interconnectedness and interactions with a very alive universe. Only ego would have us to believe that we are entirely separate and that our actions and attitudes have no direct bearing on the whole. But that is not what we learn from science and the lessons of the natural world. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, right? We can and and do influence the world around us and profoundly so. Relinquish control! Lighten up, breathe, smile. Go spread some joy! It will return to you in good measure.
We are by nature planners, schemers, organizers, and list makers. We try to control the paths we take daily. But big unpredictable events insinuate themselves into our lives challenging us to stay dynamic rather than static. I have been studying some scientific research and it is enlightening to learn that particle physicists have found amazing correlations in the behavior of subatomic particles. You know, ATOMS. The building blocks that we are formed with. The way in which particles interact with each other in the microcosm is very reflective of the way in which we up here in the big world interact with each other. Fascinating! Is there something to be learned from this? Why, yes I think so.
The laws of atomic physics are expressed as probabilities. An atomic event cannot be predicted with certainty; it is only likely to occur. The whereabouts of atomic particles-electron, neutrons and protons-cannot be stated in concrete terms. In fact, atomic particles have no meaning as isolated entities, but can only be understood as they interact with each other. Whoa! That blows my mind. So, even the basic substances of which I consist are not able to be isolated and studied with out interaction and reference to other particles and the RESEARCHERS. They can only show that there is a probability that a particle will be at a certain place at any given time.
That's just crazy good! I see so many parallels here to human behaviors and interactions. It speaks of the way in which we relate to one another and the physical world around us that is also teeming with vibrating energy. This is what is; the probabilities and the dynamic possibilities that are beyond knowing and quite unpredictable.
How does one deal with this seeming instability? Truly, we awaken to a world of surprises every day. The wise sages, and spiritual leaders that have left their impact upon the world counsel us to assume an attitude of acceptance and non-resistance to the vicissitudes of life. One of my favorite writers, David Richo, counsels an unconditional, "YES!" to all that we encounter on this ever changing landscape of our lives. The Buddhist's noble truth #1 states that the characteristic of the human condition is frustration/sufferring which is caused by our not accepting the transitory and impermenent state. Suffering arises when we resist the flow of life and cling to fixed forms. (Which science proves only appear to be 'fixed'.) One should desire to be awakened and move beyond the intellect's distinctions. Jesus advises us to be anxious for nothing, and to cast our cares upon the Master. The knowledge and force that has caused this universe to exist works in us and through us to perfect what is and what is to be. Can you trust that kind of power? Can you meet the unpredictable event and shout "YES!" in that moment? Frankly, I'm workin' on it.
The challenge here is to face with optimism and freshness the unpredictable nature of nature. To be alert, open and fresh rather than hardened, stale and closed. Relax into spontaneity and fearlessness, turn away from anxiety and dread. Ultimately, we are defined by our interconnectedness and interactions with a very alive universe. Only ego would have us to believe that we are entirely separate and that our actions and attitudes have no direct bearing on the whole. But that is not what we learn from science and the lessons of the natural world. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, right? We can and and do influence the world around us and profoundly so. Relinquish control! Lighten up, breathe, smile. Go spread some joy! It will return to you in good measure.
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