Remember the Rats! and other tidbits on dating

In the last few weeks I have seen a slew of new info on dating and LOVE hitting the bookstores; their authors making the talk show circuits. If I know it's coming up I am there, pen and notebook in hand, ready to jot down the latest tips and advice. Now and again there is new research presented but frequently I'm thinking, "I could have told you that!" I have been a student of male/ female relationships ever since the second grade when Allen Baker jumped down into a creek bed and said, "Come on Faith, let's make out". I did not even know what 'make out' meant. However, I was intrigued and might I say, hooked on the subject!

First, let's consider attraction. It might seem redundant, but you have to move out of your comfort zone to be where the peeps are! Kudos to the internet dating scene, but face to face is the only way to establish whether or not there is an attraction. I am attracted more by intelligence than looks. However, I still have to feel that the person is my equivalent in the looks department, or it will never get off the ground. I've tried it and it failed. If perfect strangers look at you as if to say, "Are you crazy?", it will eventually take its toll. Attraction--that ineffable and necessary component. If you are never attracted to anyone--then maybe you're dead! Or you could be low on zinc. Check into it. And ladies, take a good long look in the mirror; full length mirror; completely naked. I know this is harsh medicine. Some of you say you cannot be attracted to someone unless he is six foot tall, abs of steel, and has hair like a pony. Keep looking into that mirror gals. Get real! Wearing red can enhance your appeal. Photos of women wearing red were rated more attractive by men than photos of the same women wearing a different color. Wow, that's a tip I can use.

Scent. According to "The Man Plan" men are attracted to scents like cinnamon and vanilla. Just think cookies! I heard of one study that showed college age men as being sexually excited by the smell of beer and cheese pizza, but I haven't been willing to try it. One magazine suggested that women are attracted by the smell of cucumbers. I personally like the smell of seared meat, but let's not go there!

Body language. Get thee to a workout session! My workouts consist of yoga and pilates. That way I have no excuses as my body is always with me (usually) and no other equipment is necessary. Body language is more than just body type. It is how you choose to present and move your body. What are you saying to others with your posture? Ask a trusted friend to evaluate your posture. Are you slumped over and looking defeated? Ears above shoulders, shoulders in line with hips and hips directly above the knees and ankles. Hold your head up as if you are important in this world. I watch people day in and out in the airports when I am traveling. The one thing I see that could lift your attitude and appearance instantly is posture adjustment. By properly aligning your posture you might look five to ten pounds thinner. Think about it.


Ladies when you are out make sure that you have an open body language by not shielding yourself with your arms or your handbag. Holding something in front of your torso indicates protection or fear. Drinks to the side! If a gentlemen approaches you and you are so inclined, the one armed surrender as I call it, is a sign that you will not put up a fight. Exposing the wrist, such as toying with an earring signals his primordial limbic system that you are willing to be taken! When I see a woman playing gently with her hair while chatting up a man I can tell that she is interested.


Sex. This is where the rats come in. A couple of years back I ran across a study on rats and mating. It confirmed what my field studies had shown! Male rats were placed in the cages with female rats. Some of them were allowed to copulate immediately and some were not, but were housed together for some time and eventually allowed to copulate. The males that had not formed any bond with the females but immediately copulated, also immediately moved on to other females! The group that were housed together for some time before copulation actually formed a pair bond and did not move on right away. Ladies, listen up! Remember the Rats! If you sleep with someone that has no emotion investment in you he may move on quickly.

From an evolutionary standpoint men are compelled to produce many off spring. It is simple genetics. Men produce about as many sperm per day as the U.S. population. A woman produces one egg per month. There is a difference. A woman wants one man to fulfill her every need, and a man wants every woman to fulfill his one need! Just think of the differences and make your choices with thoughtfulness.

You can separate the contenders from the pretenders by waiting. The woman sets the sexual boundaries. Don't be pressured to do what you are uncomfortable with. There are no hard and fast rules as to time lines, but I think eight to twelve dates minimum; about two to three months is a fair amount of time. Never assume that a man is not dating other women unless you have had that conversation. If you need exclusivity before sex, you must express that. Don't assume anything! Be in control of your sexuality, instead of it controlling you. You don't have to be a prude. You can be sexy and sensual without going all the way. Play with it. Make sex worth waiting for.

One thing I don't like to wait too long for is seeing where a man lives. More accurately, seeing HOW he lives. Of course, this goes both ways. A couple of years ago I was dating a successful business man for some months before I was finally invited over. When I saw the deplorable condition of his house I was astonished! He had this great condo in an affluent area and was virtually living out of boxes. There was a pig trail through all the rooms, just wide enough to walk through. I couldn't take a bath because the tub was the permanent storage facility for a rubber garden hose! He did hire Merry Maids and they fired him after one week. Go see the house! Do not be afraid. There is another good thing about going to the guy's house instead of letting him pick you up for a date. Control! When the date is over you can get into your car and leave right away if you so desire.

One thing that I hear from my men friends is that they really like a lady who is intelligent and well informed. Get the national papers. Be self educated. Read current events. Listen to both sides of the political forum. Know at least a little about many topics. You don't have to remake yourself just to please a man, but what's wrong with knowing at least as much about our nation as about the latest celebrity gossip? Do it for yourself. Have some pride in your intelligence. I like to watch at least one political show every Sunday. It gives me a good overview as to what important topics are facing our nation. Painless.

Never be afraid to ask pertinent questions when the time is right. I usually ask sports aficionados how much ESPN they have to watch daily. What ever they answer add at least one hour! Just kidding. Be aware of your deal breakers and don't think that they will change--the man or the deal breakers! When a woman meets a man she often thinks of the way she might be able to change him. When a man meets a woman he is hoping that she will never change.

About love: there is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, and children love hamsters! Good luck!

I have not fully researched all this material, but you may find some interesting reading in the following list.

How to be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo
I read this one every couple of years. If you had to choose just one book this would be a great choice.

Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray
Simple, but valuable info especially for those newly single.



Decoding Love, by Andrew Trees
Insights into the nature of attraction

How to Make Someone Fall in Love with You in 90 Minutes or Less (this should be a dozy!)
by Nicholas Boothman

Love in 90 Days by Diane Kirschner, PhD

Why Him, Why Her? by Helen Fisher
Been following her research for years! Look for her on the website TED. Or just google her.

Why am I happier alone?

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, a day revered by flower shops and jewelry stores and reviled by singles. This fact was not lost on me as I drove by restaurants that were bulging with patrons as early as five o'clock. Nary a reservation to be had for later in the evening, no doubt. As I drove down Main Street and viewed the spectacle, it dawned upon me that this was the first year in many that I wasn't one of the lucky sops. Hmmm, how do I feel about that? Do I feel left out? As I drove toward my destination, I took a little self evaluation, since I had no roses to arrange and would be eating a can of beans for dinner.

Before you get out the hanky know that I am dating-- like a crazy woman! And, yes, I did have dinner the previous evening with a lovely gentleman; Kobe beef and lobster sushi to die for. But, I am not enmeshed, embroiled, or otherwise entangled in a big, hairy relationship. As I consider myself a relationship person, it was with some surprise that I had to admit, "I am Happy! I feel amazingly content!" Why, it was unprecedented for me to have such a sense of well being and completeness alone. Upon further examination, I had to confess that I am happier now than I have been in some of my past relationships. This sobering thought deserved some attention. Why am I happier alone?

We seek to pair bond. One doesn't have to ask the oracle of wisdom to figure that out. Whether homosexual or heterosexual, we want to love and be loved. So, can we deduce from that fact that it is unnatural to enjoy being alone? The easy answer is always best, correct? Go from the simplest explanation to the most complex. Simple answer #1) It's in the choosing one's mate. If you find yourself happier alone than awakening in the arms of a lover, maybe you are choosing your lovers poorly! Ouch, I tried the shoe on and it fits! Now, I am not saying that I have dated cads, ex parolees or individuals with lengthy arrest records; quite the opposite. There was nothing wrong with them that couldn't have been fixed with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. In the final analysis I admit that I have, at times, been attracted to, let's just say, COMPLICATED men, the dark, mysterious, tempestuous, alpha male types that have "issues".

I would like to say, in my defense, that I believe certain men have been attracted to me because I am balanced and don't carry around lots of unexamined baggage. Yes, that sounds good. Some times we can't see or refuse to see the conflicts of another. NO MORE! From this day forward I am off complicated men! I will seek simple, happy, positive men or none at all. If I feel an urge for something super complex I will ponder the twelve types of quarks and how they are categorized by color or some other phenom. Do not check baggage here! This line for carry-ons only.

My new dating mantra has been tested already. On New Year's eve I met a very attractive man. We were both looking for someone to kiss at midnight. It may seem a bit bizarre, but it is worth some planning or you could be stuck kissing someone completely unappealing. Turns out we really liked each other and had another date just a few days later. After several weeks, I started to see some negative traits. This is probably where my guidance system has failed me in the past. I've been too willing to overlook BIG flaws. The people we date tell us about themselves, but often times we just don't listen and continue to see what we wish for. The man actually told me that he is difficult to live with and that his rigidity was ultimately responsible for the demise of his marriage. Ok, that's all I needed to know and, by the way, thanks for the info!

Difficult? Inflexible to a fault? And this is HIM telling me that. Yes, I liked him. Yes, he was very handsome and successful. Could I have continued to see him until the point of no return? Yes. The point of no return is reached when you start having a physical relationship; when the orgasms start, so does the emotional cathecting--deep attachment. If you are a man, heads up here! If you did not already know, when a woman has an orgasm oxytocin, a powerful hormone, is released into the bloodstream. This is the hormone that is released during the strong contractions of childbirth and that causes the mother to bond with the baby. That's why I refer to the drug of sex as the point of no return. Breaking up after orgasmic sex will be much more emotional. That's really an understatement. Was I going to go there with Mr. I'm Difficult? No, I can actually learn from my previous experience. I never returned his last message. Even though there was some intrigue, I knew I would be happier alone.

This issue is genderless. My guy friends regale me with the stories of neurotic women that they have met and dated. But, it seems to me that men are less likely to continue dating someone when faced with deal breaking imperfections. Do you think this is a correct assumption? Could it be that women still feel the burden of social stigma when single, and as a result are willing to compromise themselves with less than mates?

I, for one, am happier alone.