As I fiddled with the thermostat in my hotel room I noticed a demarcated 'comfort zone'. I started thinking about my own comfort zone and wondered if, indeed, I may be stuck in it. Most of my social group is single, and I can't help but notice, have been for a really long time! These people are between the ages of 40 and 60; still viable mates, one would think. Does being single perpetuate more singleness? Are some of us stuck in the 'alone zone' to the exclusion of vibrant, healthy and loving attachment? I believe it's possible.
We have been hearing a lot about childhood autism lately. The symptoms of this malady are an abnormal absorption with the self, characterized by a lack of response to others. A limited ability or disinclination to communicate separates and isolates autistic individuals. I propose that there is an epidemic of EMOTIONAL AUTISM affecting much of the single, adult population! The longer one goes without an emotionally intimate connection the more isolated and incapable of adapting one becomes. Sadly, childhood autism is more prevalent in the male population. Might it be true that emotional autism affects more adult males? Both sexes are at risk.
A recent dating experience underscores these observations. I started seeing "Moe" who had been interested in me for years. He is 58, never married, no kids and to my knowledge, no priors--no prior long term, committed, intimate connections. What was I thinking? I'm a slow learner. Things were going swimmingly, perhaps too good, in fact. Suddenly, he started throwing out road blocks that would derail any further possibilities. Coincidence? I think not. They're called avoidance behaviors. The closer one gets to the reality of a change in beliefs or life structure (your comfort zone) the avoidance behaviors begin to manifest; behaviors that will surely keep you in the cocoon of your 'alone zone', insulated from potential emotional pain. While the potential for hurt and rejection exists it is the risk we must take in learning to love. Loving commitment is the last, best chance we have to grow up. I would venture that it is the only way to avoid becoming emotionally autistic.
Is there any hope for recovery? Singleness is a recognized option in our society and that is great! However, I hope that we have not begun to use it as a shield against the vicissitudes of vulnerability, inured from emotional growth. Hopefully, a child with autism has loving, devoted parents to help them recover and integrate fully into the world. For adults being aware of this possibility is a first step, followed by a decision to get out of the 'alone zone' and develop an ability for adaptability and the satisfaction that can only come with fulfilling intimacy.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
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If you have a thought or opinion to add please do so. Of course, dissenting views will be maligned in my next posting! It's an open forum and my wish is to evoke your response.
ReplyDeleteGreat read...let's get together when you're back in town
ReplyDeleteKenney
Being a flight attendant has probably given you that special time to learn and discover so much more about your very interesting term, "Humanology". As you mention the "alone zone",or comfort zone, I find my thoughts gathering information from past experiences and questions to where I am now. Relationships come and go, and sometimes get very stuck, then digress backwards. Then again I find that some people are very comfortable being unattached and with no regrets. I for one have looked and experienced both sides, of course one marriage has given me the experience and emotional challenges that have affected some other decisions later in my life. But the other side was also experienced with a woman that I loved. It still is interesting to me that we didnt get married. I feel that some of my past from the first marriage still affected me at that time, but the love and total commitment became the package of connectiveness, of being ONE....The death of that partner gave me a total new view of the fragility of life.
ReplyDeleteI think the alone zone is so apparent in our society because I think fear formulates scearnios from past experiences, whereby negativity replaces positivness, then emotional insecurities pop up and as you mentioned, roadblocks are thrust into the flow, creating a distance between two people that cannot be mended.
The question for me at this time in my life is where do I feel comfortable and how can I proceed to get to that place. I find my happiness is attachment with all the bells and whistles. I dont mean that my "love" and I have to go out and celebrate every night. I believe that if the comfort zone is there, with the trust and monogomy, great things will happen. Just think....LOVE is so simple..you meet someone, and converse, touch, become intimate, enjoy each other, go out have fun and maybe get married. There is no problem here,...it has been done for thousands of years. Our society and our own intellect has stopped many of us because we question everything, become lawyers in our relationships and sabatoge what we crave and enjoy. On the other hand, its still out there and I will give LOVE a chance..Its very important to ME...Larry F.