The Difference Between Real Love and Grape Juice

Love and peace, fellow H. Sapians! This morning while ruminating on the news of yet another friend's impending divorce, I asked myself, "What the heck is happening to us? Why are so many people splitting up so early in their marriages?" These couples are 40's and 50's, mostly second (or even third) unions and are only lasting one or two years. It grieves me to my soul for one because I would like to think that someday I may marry again and is this contagious?; secondly, divorce can leave us scarred and I hate that for anyone; thirdly, what is the example here for our kids even though they may be grown? Not to mention the financial aspects of dividing property, even with a prenup.

This is a different situation than that of veteran couples of many years that stayed together and at least GAVE LOVE A CHANCE, and after much trying and even counseling, make the heart rending decision to split up. Are we giving up too easily? Have we forgotten the meaning of commitment? Or have we deluded ourselves into thinking that grape juice is love?

There are two kinds of relational attachment--passionate and companionate. Companionate is a term coined by Professor Jonathan Haidt, University of Virginia. We all know the definition of each. Passion: wildly emotional, highly sexualized, lots of elation and pain, anxiety and relief, altruism and jealousy. To me this is like grape juice. It is very easy to create a sexual "high" and physically bond with someone who is practically a stranger to you in all other areas. Emotionally and physically we are not able to sustain a high state of passion for very long--perhaps six to eighteen months. When passion crashes and you finally take a realistic look at the mate you've "fallen for" you may find little in common and certainly not enough to maintain a long-term partnership. Intense passion effects our brains just like cocaine or heroin, but eventually you will come down.

Companionate love may develop from the ashes of passion, but only if there are other important commonalities. It is more like the grapevine that has matured over time; lives that have become twisted together into one strong, thick branch that yields beautiful fruit that with the proper expertise becomes a superb, aromatic wine that when drunk tantalizes the palate and heightens the flavor of everything else. My favorite description of love is, "friendship on fire". Not the sitcom version, airbrushed fake that has seduced our culture. Companionate love grows out of a deep and abiding commitment to loving (verb) another flawed and sometimes broken person. Can we have all that and passion too? Yes, the best sex ever is with someone you know and wholly trust.

There are myriad books and learning tools available to help us with relational pitfalls. We can't claim ignorance. News flash--the ignorance defense is out! Somethings take a bit of effort and they are the things worth having. In our hurried, disposable world are we becoming victims of a monster that we have created? We want it all and right now, if you please! As for me, I'd rather have the real thing with all the tannins and spice and sediment. Like a fine red wine, the value of real love increases over the years, rather than becoming worthless. Invest some time and become a connoisseur of real love.

A pertinent quote from Mae West says it all: Love is not an emotion or an instinct--it's an art!