The Difference Between Real Love and Grape Juice

Love and peace, fellow H. Sapians! This morning while ruminating on the news of yet another friend's impending divorce, I asked myself, "What the heck is happening to us? Why are so many people splitting up so early in their marriages?" These couples are 40's and 50's, mostly second (or even third) unions and are only lasting one or two years. It grieves me to my soul for one because I would like to think that someday I may marry again and is this contagious?; secondly, divorce can leave us scarred and I hate that for anyone; thirdly, what is the example here for our kids even though they may be grown? Not to mention the financial aspects of dividing property, even with a prenup.

This is a different situation than that of veteran couples of many years that stayed together and at least GAVE LOVE A CHANCE, and after much trying and even counseling, make the heart rending decision to split up. Are we giving up too easily? Have we forgotten the meaning of commitment? Or have we deluded ourselves into thinking that grape juice is love?

There are two kinds of relational attachment--passionate and companionate. Companionate is a term coined by Professor Jonathan Haidt, University of Virginia. We all know the definition of each. Passion: wildly emotional, highly sexualized, lots of elation and pain, anxiety and relief, altruism and jealousy. To me this is like grape juice. It is very easy to create a sexual "high" and physically bond with someone who is practically a stranger to you in all other areas. Emotionally and physically we are not able to sustain a high state of passion for very long--perhaps six to eighteen months. When passion crashes and you finally take a realistic look at the mate you've "fallen for" you may find little in common and certainly not enough to maintain a long-term partnership. Intense passion effects our brains just like cocaine or heroin, but eventually you will come down.

Companionate love may develop from the ashes of passion, but only if there are other important commonalities. It is more like the grapevine that has matured over time; lives that have become twisted together into one strong, thick branch that yields beautiful fruit that with the proper expertise becomes a superb, aromatic wine that when drunk tantalizes the palate and heightens the flavor of everything else. My favorite description of love is, "friendship on fire". Not the sitcom version, airbrushed fake that has seduced our culture. Companionate love grows out of a deep and abiding commitment to loving (verb) another flawed and sometimes broken person. Can we have all that and passion too? Yes, the best sex ever is with someone you know and wholly trust.

There are myriad books and learning tools available to help us with relational pitfalls. We can't claim ignorance. News flash--the ignorance defense is out! Somethings take a bit of effort and they are the things worth having. In our hurried, disposable world are we becoming victims of a monster that we have created? We want it all and right now, if you please! As for me, I'd rather have the real thing with all the tannins and spice and sediment. Like a fine red wine, the value of real love increases over the years, rather than becoming worthless. Invest some time and become a connoisseur of real love.

A pertinent quote from Mae West says it all: Love is not an emotion or an instinct--it's an art!

The One Thing I Can Promise You...

Many unknowns await us as we walk the path of getting to know someone. Joyful occasions, happy days and ordinary days. There is, however, one thing that will be an almost universal commonality and that is that we will fail one another. It is practically unavoidable, and yet, we seem so shocked when it happens in our own relationships. The one thing I can promise you is that if you get to know me very well I will fail to meet some of your expectations! There will be times when you need or desire something from me, or I from you, that is simply undeliverable. This being the fact, how can we move forward, mitigating the disappointment, and continue to grow in a loving relationship?

One possibility would be to try never to expect or need anything from anyone. Insulate and isolate yourself--not a healthy, adult response. For any healthy, happy relationship, one must identify what your expectations and limitations are realistically. Then, those expectations need to be communicated. Yes, that requires TALKING! We're not mind readers, you know! Clever? Yes, but not clairvoyant. Uncommunicated expectations will lead to disappointment. Propound those disappointments over time and the resulting anger will completely destroy intimacy.

I have known men that could put together international business deals worth hundreds of thousands of dollars requiring great finesse in communication and attention to detail. Yet, when it came to dealing with their personal relationships they claim not to be able to talk about it. What?!? How can a relationship survive without honest, open communication? How can I improve when I don't know where I'm failing you?

Only by revealing our deepest relationship desires and needs to our mate can we get the love and support we expect. No one person can fulfill all our ideals, but when we are willing to ask for what we want I can promise you another thing...you'll be giving your loved ones a chance to succeed rather than fail.

Five Things We Cannot Change!

If I had to choose just one book that I consider necessary for my spiritual and mental health it would certainly be "The Five Things We Cannot Change And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them" by David Richo. Catchy title, huh? Mr. Richo blends the rich spiritual disciplines of the ages in a way that is simple and yet has profound impact.

The five things are:

1. Everything changes and ends.
2. Things do not always go according to plan.
3. Life is not always fair.
4. Pain is part of life.
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time.

No one is exempt from these givens of life. When we fall under the spell of ego, we may momentarily forget the givens; until one or more of them face us squarely and head on! How can we proceed joyously with these unpredictabilities? Only with an unconditional "Yes!"

When we accept and embrace the knowledge of these dynamic conditions, rather than clinging to the illusion of a static environment, we become freed from the brittle, unmaleable ego.

In Mr. Richo's words: Although everything changes and ends, things renew themselves and move through cycles that further upward evolution.

Although things do not always go according to plan, we sometimes sense a larger plan at work through synchronicity that opens wondrous possibilities!

Although life is not always fair, something in us remains committed to fairness and refuses to be unjust or retaliatory.

Although suffering is a part of life, we have ways of dealing with it and thereby we expand our powers to handle future pain and help others in their pain.

Although people are not always loving and loyal, nothing has to get in the way of our acting with loving-kindness and not giving up on others. No human action can take away another's capacity to love.

If we greet each day proclaiming an emphatic and unconditional "Yes!" our stress levels will recede and the potential for joy returns.

The Five Essential A's of Genuine Love

Several years ago I happened across the insightful writings of David Richo. His books have had a major impact upon me and I would like to share and briefly outline what he calls the five A's of genuine love. Reasonable fulfillment of our emotional needs calls for attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. Seems so simple, doesn't it? Yet not easy to come by!

1. Attention from others leads to self-respect.
2. Acceptance engenders a sense of being inherently a good person.
3. Appreciation generates a sense of self-worth.
4. Affection makes us feel lovable.
5. Allowing gives us freedom to pursue our own deepest needs, values and wishes.

If a relationship is suffering, whether friend or lover, check to see if one or more of the five A's is being neglected or withheld. Thoughtful attention to one another may be all it takes to mend a hurt. A hug can be healing medicine. A sincere "thanks" or card of appreciation brings needed recognition.

May you give and receive the the five A's freely in your life!

Recommended reading: "How To Be An Adult In Relationships", and "The Five Things We Cannot Change" both by David Richo.

Emotional autism: Are you stuck in the 'alone zone'?

As I fiddled with the thermostat in my hotel room I noticed a demarcated 'comfort zone'. I started thinking about my own comfort zone and wondered if, indeed, I may be stuck in it. Most of my social group is single, and I can't help but notice, have been for a really long time! These people are between the ages of 40 and 60; still viable mates, one would think. Does being single perpetuate more singleness? Are some of us stuck in the 'alone zone' to the exclusion of vibrant, healthy and loving attachment? I believe it's possible.

We have been hearing a lot about childhood autism lately. The symptoms of this malady are an abnormal absorption with the self, characterized by a lack of response to others. A limited ability or disinclination to communicate separates and isolates autistic individuals. I propose that there is an epidemic of EMOTIONAL AUTISM affecting much of the single, adult population! The longer one goes without an emotionally intimate connection the more isolated and incapable of adapting one becomes. Sadly, childhood autism is more prevalent in the male population. Might it be true that emotional autism affects more adult males? Both sexes are at risk.

A recent dating experience underscores these observations. I started seeing "Moe" who had been interested in me for years. He is 58, never married, no kids and to my knowledge, no priors--no prior long term, committed, intimate connections. What was I thinking? I'm a slow learner. Things were going swimmingly, perhaps too good, in fact. Suddenly, he started throwing out road blocks that would derail any further possibilities. Coincidence? I think not. They're called avoidance behaviors. The closer one gets to the reality of a change in beliefs or life structure (your comfort zone) the avoidance behaviors begin to manifest; behaviors that will surely keep you in the cocoon of your 'alone zone', insulated from potential emotional pain. While the potential for hurt and rejection exists it is the risk we must take in learning to love. Loving commitment is the last, best chance we have to grow up. I would venture that it is the only way to avoid becoming emotionally autistic.

Is there any hope for recovery? Singleness is a recognized option in our society and that is great! However, I hope that we have not begun to use it as a shield against the vicissitudes of vulnerability, inured from emotional growth. Hopefully, a child with autism has loving, devoted parents to help them recover and integrate fully into the world. For adults being aware of this possibility is a first step, followed by a decision to get out of the 'alone zone' and develop an ability for adaptability and the satisfaction that can only come with fulfilling intimacy.

Shalom in the Bedroom

Recently, I saw a show on the tele that was focusing on one of my favorite subjects--humanology. I coined the term by the way--the study of all things pertaining to humans. There was a voice new to me--Rabbi Shmuley, as he is called. He is like the voice of one crying in the wilderness and what he was saying was soooooo true. Our society is saturated with sexual imagery and connotation and yet one third of marriages are sexless; many of the others sexually unsatisfying. What is going on here? Are you in a sexually satisfying relationship? It's been so long since I have been in a sexual relationship that my Doctor has given me an ultimatum--"Use it or lose it, Lady"! She suggested that I stop by the Adult Fun Store; I did.

I had to know what the Rabbi's book was all about. "The Kosher Sutra". Wow! Drive, don't walk, to the nearest megabookmart and check out what he has to say. Some of the imagery is wonderfully graphic! Do what I did and just hunker down in the aisle and read away. He describes the relationship that most people say they want to have, and gives us the formula for keeping eroticism alive even if you've been together since the dawn of creation. You might be able to catch a snippet on Amazon. I googled him and there is a wealth of info there. He addresses the devaluing of men. Our society has come to equate success with the ability to provide wealth and little else is considered meaningful.

The good Rabbi says that we are guilty of living horizontally, (an inch deep and a mile wide) instead of the better way of living vertically. We can live more deeply by bestowing those we love with the five a's: attention, appreciation, acceptance, affection and allowing. Folks, this will take some conversation and some action. I just saw a cartoon in The New Yorker that depicts a couple in bed, the man reaches over to embrace the woman. She says, "Or we could just turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us". Funny and yet, sadly, too true!

Some things that are worth having are not obtained instantaneously. Our financial institutions have been exposed as rife with greed. People are returning to simpler values. Perhaps this is a good time to take stock of our relational deficits as well. Hmm, perhaps if our innate desire to love and be loved were being fulfilled, that satisfaction would spread to other areas of our lives and there would be less need for superficiality all around.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach has a show called "Shalom in the home". He is the author of several great books of uncommon common sense.

How necessary is physical attraction?

Is sexual attraction a reliable indicator of compatibility? Certainly, there has to be a starting point at which we even become aware of someone, but beyond that, how much should we trust physical attraction? According to research by anthropologist Helen Fisher, PhD, there are physical markers that our senses become aware of that initially attract us to others who are a good genetic match. Fabulous! But for those of us who are not in mating mode, we no longer need to be with someone just to create genetically hardy offspring. Are we relying on out dated hardware encoded in our DNA to help us make these very important decisions?

Have you ever had the experience of not being sexually attracted to someone initially, and then over time developing a great relationship?--I have. Or conversely, dated someone with whom the magnetism was palpable, yet the relationship was a flop outside of the bedroom? Obviously, if you're only looking for a few nights of fireworks then you'd better start with a blazing torch!

But, if you want a fire that burns long and hot it might take some time and effort to get the embers glowing, metaphorically speaking.

I'd love to hear some feedback on this topic. How much need we rely upon initial attraction? Would you date some one just based on personality, and can that eventually lead to a balanced relationship with great sex? Comments and anecdotes welcome!