How necessary is physical attraction?

Is sexual attraction a reliable indicator of compatibility? Certainly, there has to be a starting point at which we even become aware of someone, but beyond that, how much should we trust physical attraction? According to research by anthropologist Helen Fisher, PhD, there are physical markers that our senses become aware of that initially attract us to others who are a good genetic match. Fabulous! But for those of us who are not in mating mode, we no longer need to be with someone just to create genetically hardy offspring. Are we relying on out dated hardware encoded in our DNA to help us make these very important decisions?

Have you ever had the experience of not being sexually attracted to someone initially, and then over time developing a great relationship?--I have. Or conversely, dated someone with whom the magnetism was palpable, yet the relationship was a flop outside of the bedroom? Obviously, if you're only looking for a few nights of fireworks then you'd better start with a blazing torch!

But, if you want a fire that burns long and hot it might take some time and effort to get the embers glowing, metaphorically speaking.

I'd love to hear some feedback on this topic. How much need we rely upon initial attraction? Would you date some one just based on personality, and can that eventually lead to a balanced relationship with great sex? Comments and anecdotes welcome!

Remember the Rats! and other tidbits on dating

In the last few weeks I have seen a slew of new info on dating and LOVE hitting the bookstores; their authors making the talk show circuits. If I know it's coming up I am there, pen and notebook in hand, ready to jot down the latest tips and advice. Now and again there is new research presented but frequently I'm thinking, "I could have told you that!" I have been a student of male/ female relationships ever since the second grade when Allen Baker jumped down into a creek bed and said, "Come on Faith, let's make out". I did not even know what 'make out' meant. However, I was intrigued and might I say, hooked on the subject!

First, let's consider attraction. It might seem redundant, but you have to move out of your comfort zone to be where the peeps are! Kudos to the internet dating scene, but face to face is the only way to establish whether or not there is an attraction. I am attracted more by intelligence than looks. However, I still have to feel that the person is my equivalent in the looks department, or it will never get off the ground. I've tried it and it failed. If perfect strangers look at you as if to say, "Are you crazy?", it will eventually take its toll. Attraction--that ineffable and necessary component. If you are never attracted to anyone--then maybe you're dead! Or you could be low on zinc. Check into it. And ladies, take a good long look in the mirror; full length mirror; completely naked. I know this is harsh medicine. Some of you say you cannot be attracted to someone unless he is six foot tall, abs of steel, and has hair like a pony. Keep looking into that mirror gals. Get real! Wearing red can enhance your appeal. Photos of women wearing red were rated more attractive by men than photos of the same women wearing a different color. Wow, that's a tip I can use.

Scent. According to "The Man Plan" men are attracted to scents like cinnamon and vanilla. Just think cookies! I heard of one study that showed college age men as being sexually excited by the smell of beer and cheese pizza, but I haven't been willing to try it. One magazine suggested that women are attracted by the smell of cucumbers. I personally like the smell of seared meat, but let's not go there!

Body language. Get thee to a workout session! My workouts consist of yoga and pilates. That way I have no excuses as my body is always with me (usually) and no other equipment is necessary. Body language is more than just body type. It is how you choose to present and move your body. What are you saying to others with your posture? Ask a trusted friend to evaluate your posture. Are you slumped over and looking defeated? Ears above shoulders, shoulders in line with hips and hips directly above the knees and ankles. Hold your head up as if you are important in this world. I watch people day in and out in the airports when I am traveling. The one thing I see that could lift your attitude and appearance instantly is posture adjustment. By properly aligning your posture you might look five to ten pounds thinner. Think about it.


Ladies when you are out make sure that you have an open body language by not shielding yourself with your arms or your handbag. Holding something in front of your torso indicates protection or fear. Drinks to the side! If a gentlemen approaches you and you are so inclined, the one armed surrender as I call it, is a sign that you will not put up a fight. Exposing the wrist, such as toying with an earring signals his primordial limbic system that you are willing to be taken! When I see a woman playing gently with her hair while chatting up a man I can tell that she is interested.


Sex. This is where the rats come in. A couple of years back I ran across a study on rats and mating. It confirmed what my field studies had shown! Male rats were placed in the cages with female rats. Some of them were allowed to copulate immediately and some were not, but were housed together for some time and eventually allowed to copulate. The males that had not formed any bond with the females but immediately copulated, also immediately moved on to other females! The group that were housed together for some time before copulation actually formed a pair bond and did not move on right away. Ladies, listen up! Remember the Rats! If you sleep with someone that has no emotion investment in you he may move on quickly.

From an evolutionary standpoint men are compelled to produce many off spring. It is simple genetics. Men produce about as many sperm per day as the U.S. population. A woman produces one egg per month. There is a difference. A woman wants one man to fulfill her every need, and a man wants every woman to fulfill his one need! Just think of the differences and make your choices with thoughtfulness.

You can separate the contenders from the pretenders by waiting. The woman sets the sexual boundaries. Don't be pressured to do what you are uncomfortable with. There are no hard and fast rules as to time lines, but I think eight to twelve dates minimum; about two to three months is a fair amount of time. Never assume that a man is not dating other women unless you have had that conversation. If you need exclusivity before sex, you must express that. Don't assume anything! Be in control of your sexuality, instead of it controlling you. You don't have to be a prude. You can be sexy and sensual without going all the way. Play with it. Make sex worth waiting for.

One thing I don't like to wait too long for is seeing where a man lives. More accurately, seeing HOW he lives. Of course, this goes both ways. A couple of years ago I was dating a successful business man for some months before I was finally invited over. When I saw the deplorable condition of his house I was astonished! He had this great condo in an affluent area and was virtually living out of boxes. There was a pig trail through all the rooms, just wide enough to walk through. I couldn't take a bath because the tub was the permanent storage facility for a rubber garden hose! He did hire Merry Maids and they fired him after one week. Go see the house! Do not be afraid. There is another good thing about going to the guy's house instead of letting him pick you up for a date. Control! When the date is over you can get into your car and leave right away if you so desire.

One thing that I hear from my men friends is that they really like a lady who is intelligent and well informed. Get the national papers. Be self educated. Read current events. Listen to both sides of the political forum. Know at least a little about many topics. You don't have to remake yourself just to please a man, but what's wrong with knowing at least as much about our nation as about the latest celebrity gossip? Do it for yourself. Have some pride in your intelligence. I like to watch at least one political show every Sunday. It gives me a good overview as to what important topics are facing our nation. Painless.

Never be afraid to ask pertinent questions when the time is right. I usually ask sports aficionados how much ESPN they have to watch daily. What ever they answer add at least one hour! Just kidding. Be aware of your deal breakers and don't think that they will change--the man or the deal breakers! When a woman meets a man she often thinks of the way she might be able to change him. When a man meets a woman he is hoping that she will never change.

About love: there is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, and children love hamsters! Good luck!

I have not fully researched all this material, but you may find some interesting reading in the following list.

How to be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo
I read this one every couple of years. If you had to choose just one book this would be a great choice.

Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray
Simple, but valuable info especially for those newly single.



Decoding Love, by Andrew Trees
Insights into the nature of attraction

How to Make Someone Fall in Love with You in 90 Minutes or Less (this should be a dozy!)
by Nicholas Boothman

Love in 90 Days by Diane Kirschner, PhD

Why Him, Why Her? by Helen Fisher
Been following her research for years! Look for her on the website TED. Or just google her.

Why am I happier alone?

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, a day revered by flower shops and jewelry stores and reviled by singles. This fact was not lost on me as I drove by restaurants that were bulging with patrons as early as five o'clock. Nary a reservation to be had for later in the evening, no doubt. As I drove down Main Street and viewed the spectacle, it dawned upon me that this was the first year in many that I wasn't one of the lucky sops. Hmmm, how do I feel about that? Do I feel left out? As I drove toward my destination, I took a little self evaluation, since I had no roses to arrange and would be eating a can of beans for dinner.

Before you get out the hanky know that I am dating-- like a crazy woman! And, yes, I did have dinner the previous evening with a lovely gentleman; Kobe beef and lobster sushi to die for. But, I am not enmeshed, embroiled, or otherwise entangled in a big, hairy relationship. As I consider myself a relationship person, it was with some surprise that I had to admit, "I am Happy! I feel amazingly content!" Why, it was unprecedented for me to have such a sense of well being and completeness alone. Upon further examination, I had to confess that I am happier now than I have been in some of my past relationships. This sobering thought deserved some attention. Why am I happier alone?

We seek to pair bond. One doesn't have to ask the oracle of wisdom to figure that out. Whether homosexual or heterosexual, we want to love and be loved. So, can we deduce from that fact that it is unnatural to enjoy being alone? The easy answer is always best, correct? Go from the simplest explanation to the most complex. Simple answer #1) It's in the choosing one's mate. If you find yourself happier alone than awakening in the arms of a lover, maybe you are choosing your lovers poorly! Ouch, I tried the shoe on and it fits! Now, I am not saying that I have dated cads, ex parolees or individuals with lengthy arrest records; quite the opposite. There was nothing wrong with them that couldn't have been fixed with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. In the final analysis I admit that I have, at times, been attracted to, let's just say, COMPLICATED men, the dark, mysterious, tempestuous, alpha male types that have "issues".

I would like to say, in my defense, that I believe certain men have been attracted to me because I am balanced and don't carry around lots of unexamined baggage. Yes, that sounds good. Some times we can't see or refuse to see the conflicts of another. NO MORE! From this day forward I am off complicated men! I will seek simple, happy, positive men or none at all. If I feel an urge for something super complex I will ponder the twelve types of quarks and how they are categorized by color or some other phenom. Do not check baggage here! This line for carry-ons only.

My new dating mantra has been tested already. On New Year's eve I met a very attractive man. We were both looking for someone to kiss at midnight. It may seem a bit bizarre, but it is worth some planning or you could be stuck kissing someone completely unappealing. Turns out we really liked each other and had another date just a few days later. After several weeks, I started to see some negative traits. This is probably where my guidance system has failed me in the past. I've been too willing to overlook BIG flaws. The people we date tell us about themselves, but often times we just don't listen and continue to see what we wish for. The man actually told me that he is difficult to live with and that his rigidity was ultimately responsible for the demise of his marriage. Ok, that's all I needed to know and, by the way, thanks for the info!

Difficult? Inflexible to a fault? And this is HIM telling me that. Yes, I liked him. Yes, he was very handsome and successful. Could I have continued to see him until the point of no return? Yes. The point of no return is reached when you start having a physical relationship; when the orgasms start, so does the emotional cathecting--deep attachment. If you are a man, heads up here! If you did not already know, when a woman has an orgasm oxytocin, a powerful hormone, is released into the bloodstream. This is the hormone that is released during the strong contractions of childbirth and that causes the mother to bond with the baby. That's why I refer to the drug of sex as the point of no return. Breaking up after orgasmic sex will be much more emotional. That's really an understatement. Was I going to go there with Mr. I'm Difficult? No, I can actually learn from my previous experience. I never returned his last message. Even though there was some intrigue, I knew I would be happier alone.

This issue is genderless. My guy friends regale me with the stories of neurotic women that they have met and dated. But, it seems to me that men are less likely to continue dating someone when faced with deal breaking imperfections. Do you think this is a correct assumption? Could it be that women still feel the burden of social stigma when single, and as a result are willing to compromise themselves with less than mates?

I, for one, am happier alone.

Relationship DNR

Ever had a problem ending a terminally diseased relationship? Maybe your love was unrequited, but you were still obsessed with the person. Or more than likely, when you realized that this person had NO LONG TERM POTENTIAL, you still kept going back trying to rewrite history. Jerry Seinfeld likens break-ups to trying to turn over a big vending machine. You can never just push it over in one try. First, you must get it rocking, then finally, with enough leverage, down it goes.

I could be the world's worst at quick, clean endings. It's something I'm getting better at though. (Practice, practice, practice!) In the medical world a DNR is an advanced directive written by a physician or individual that resuscitation should not be attempted if a person suffers cardiac or respiratory arrest. Such orders may be instituted when resuscitation would not alter the outcome of a disease and is designed to prevent unnecessary suffering. It is commonly ordered when someone has an inevitably, fatal illness. DNR: DO NOT RESUSCITATE! Hello? Listen up people--I see a correlation here!

I have for many years followed the research of Doctor Helen Fisher. She is an anthropologist that has studied the effects of romantic love on our biology. With all her studies, she has become one of the most sympathetic of all to the plight of the broken-hearted. The pain of the jilted shows up in brain scans! For heaven's sake, these people are really hurting. The same centers that are activated when on cocaine are lit up in the brains of those that suffer from love's dis-ease. Evidently, when we experience rejection, we actually become more engulfed by feelings of love. We recalculate over and over our perceived loss. Intense focus on the beloved and intense motivation may cause us to risk all for love. Emily Dickinson said, "Parting is all we need to know of Hell".

So, we see and have felt the sting of love lost. Now, thanks to modern science, we have proof that heartbreak is more than just some surface affectation. What behaviors can help to overcome the intensity of emotion? Have we any hope of mitigating the pain? Have we any tools to help keep us from crashing through the window of our beloved when they are sleeping (already!) with someone new? (This actually happened to a guy friend.) Oh, yes, dear pilgrims, once in a blue moon a GRANDE GESTURE will win your loved one back and you may live happily ever after. And may I say, bravo, if that is what is merited. However, for those of us that knew all along that we were with MR. or MRS. WRONGO the pain still feels the same. We must simple have a directive: DNR.

Do Not Resuscitate this doomed and diseased relationship. DNR and you will save yourself much unnecessary suffering. Do not call while drunk! Do not allow them to come by to get some of the basil that you lovingly planted together. Do not cave in when he calls you needing a new toothbrush, and only you know the right brand. (This was my personal favorite--I went and bought the toothbrush, too.) Above all don't do anything that will get you arrested.

There is no remedy that will give immediate relief. Eventually, the dopamine centers will quiet. In time, the attachment will fade. One day you will be able to say, "All I have left of you are my cherished misconceptions". And all the faster if you DNR!

Why is life so unpredictable?

Ever find yourself thinking, "Wow, that's unbelievable! I'm stunned" in reference to some event that has transpired in your life? Ten years ago would you have accurately predicted where you are today? How about five years ago? Even three days ago? Perhaps more exciting or scary, what will your life be like in another ten years, five years or even three days! Why is life so unpredictable?

We are by nature planners, schemers, organizers, and list makers. We try to control the paths we take daily. But big unpredictable events insinuate themselves into our lives challenging us to stay dynamic rather than static. I have been studying some scientific research and it is enlightening to learn that particle physicists have found amazing correlations in the behavior of subatomic particles. You know, ATOMS. The building blocks that we are formed with. The way in which particles interact with each other in the microcosm is very reflective of the way in which we up here in the big world interact with each other. Fascinating! Is there something to be learned from this? Why, yes I think so.

The laws of atomic physics are expressed as probabilities. An atomic event cannot be predicted with certainty; it is only likely to occur. The whereabouts of atomic particles-electron, neutrons and protons-cannot be stated in concrete terms. In fact, atomic particles have no meaning as isolated entities, but can only be understood as they interact with each other. Whoa! That blows my mind. So, even the basic substances of which I consist are not able to be isolated and studied with out interaction and reference to other particles and the RESEARCHERS. They can only show that there is a probability that a particle will be at a certain place at any given time.

That's just crazy good! I see so many parallels here to human behaviors and interactions. It speaks of the way in which we relate to one another and the physical world around us that is also teeming with vibrating energy. This is what is; the probabilities and the dynamic possibilities that are beyond knowing and quite unpredictable.

How does one deal with this seeming instability? Truly, we awaken to a world of surprises every day. The wise sages, and spiritual leaders that have left their impact upon the world counsel us to assume an attitude of acceptance and non-resistance to the vicissitudes of life. One of my favorite writers, David Richo, counsels an unconditional, "YES!" to all that we encounter on this ever changing landscape of our lives. The Buddhist's noble truth #1 states that the characteristic of the human condition is frustration/sufferring which is caused by our not accepting the transitory and impermenent state. Suffering arises when we resist the flow of life and cling to fixed forms. (Which science proves only appear to be 'fixed'.) One should desire to be awakened and move beyond the intellect's distinctions. Jesus advises us to be anxious for nothing, and to cast our cares upon the Master. The knowledge and force that has caused this universe to exist works in us and through us to perfect what is and what is to be. Can you trust that kind of power? Can you meet the unpredictable event and shout "YES!" in that moment? Frankly, I'm workin' on it.

The challenge here is to face with optimism and freshness the unpredictable nature of nature. To be alert, open and fresh rather than hardened, stale and closed. Relax into spontaneity and fearlessness, turn away from anxiety and dread. Ultimately, we are defined by our interconnectedness and interactions with a very alive universe. Only ego would have us to believe that we are entirely separate and that our actions and attitudes have no direct bearing on the whole. But that is not what we learn from science and the lessons of the natural world. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, right? We can and and do influence the world around us and profoundly so. Relinquish control! Lighten up, breathe, smile. Go spread some joy! It will return to you in good measure.

The Conundrum

I have been threatening to write a blog about some of my experiences in the dating realm and call it "Are You My Lover?" Remember the children's book "Are You My Mother?" It is a classic. The baby bird is born while the mother bird is out digging for worms. The baby bird falls from the nest and proceeds to journey forth into the unknown world asking all manner of animals and objects if they are indeed his mother. Finally, he does find his mother.

Like many who are single, (over 50% of adults) I journey forth regularly into the vast terrain of dating asking metaphorically, "Are you my lover?" I have garnered some pretty interesting dating experiences over the years. The conundrum is how does one stay positive and tell something that may be negative? Even the most unfortunate of relationships can yield a positive nugget somewhere along the way. If you lived to tell the story you are in good shape! If you did not live to tell the story, then thankfully, you won't be reading this right now.

One of the most important things to be learned is who is NOT going to be your lover. If you can learn that, then you, dear person, are well on your way.

Recent experience with a man that shall remain nameless, but we will call him Larry just because: I had just been dumped by a man that I really thought might be "THE ONE". Actually, it was a mutual dumping. So, me and my posse met up for some liquid consolation. We went to a local watering hole, and as we sat at our table, we noticed two rather decent looking men at the bar. I made goo-goo eyes at the cutest one and he returned the favor. Shortly, the one we are calling "Larry" sauntered over to ask what did we think of the food. Within minutes he had my number. Footnote: train your girlfriends to offer your number. It really cuts through a lot of b.s. and if they aren't interested they won't call anyway. Even though Larry was just a slight bit tubby, my friend Bonnie suggested that we could always put him on a diet. "Oh, yes", we all agreed. After a drink or two we all left. I almost forgot the earlier dumping!

Larry called and just two days later we got together. We had a really nice time. He was even better looking than I remembered. (Always a bonus.) We made plans to see each other the very next day. It was Sunday and early in the football season, so we watched the game together. Another good date. Now I am getting really happy. I thought, maybe this was the whole reason for the dumping. All things working together just to bring me to this great guy. Life has a purpose!

I went out of town for work and when I returned Larry invited me over to his house. Wow! It was spectacular. The furnishings were exquisite. What taste! This was a true bonus. Nice guy and nice house. Everything seemed really natural, too. He did not have a lot of pretenses, and I felt really relaxed with out a lot of struggling. Sometimes thing just don't feel easy. I have experienced that. This was a nice change.

We had Thanksgiving together with just a few guests. We both cooked and one of his sons came. I seemed to fit in very well with Larry's friends. We had spent the night together, but no sex yet. Are you my lover? Maybe, I thought, maybe.

The next weekend, we met out on Friday night. Since Larry lived across town from me, we met at a place between us. As the evening progressed, I noted that he was really slamming the drinks. We'd had cocktails at every meeting, which I don't consider that unusual. But, this night he was really going at it. He had his back turned to me most of the eve while chatting up two presumably wealthy older gentlemen at the bar. He was getting DRUNK. Shortly, we decided to go up the street and eat at another destination. I offered to drive, but he insisted. At the restaurant, he really got loud. When I ask to be excused to the ladies room he said, "I'm giving you seven minutes. Hurry up!" While I was gone he knocked over my drink. Just a short time later Larry mentioned that one of my girlfriends had a great body. This ship was sinkin' fast. When he started to insult me, that was the last straw. I got up, looked him in the eye and said, "Goodnight", and walked out of the restaurant. Thankfully, my car was just a few blocks away.

Larry called me three or four times that night, but I thought best to not speak to him while he was in that condition. However, the next day when he called I did pick up. He was very contrite and did not even remember what had transpired in the second half of the evening. I appreciated that he was apologetic, but it looked to me like this was going to be par for the course. I did send him an email later detailing the events of the night, some of which are not mentioned here.

What did I take from this experience? I learned a couple of important things. 1)Larry is NOT my lover! 2)If you don't have your car, at least have cab fare! 3) Sometimes saying goodbye is the best thing you can say.

Only four more years on the planet!

Fellow humans,

I just watched a History Channel production and learned that the world as we know it will end on December 21, 2012. Thank God, I will get to celebrate my birthday which is December 20 (every year). The Mayan calender simply stops on that date. The Mayans were really into the seasons and observing astrological phenomenon and the fact that they stopped on that date is taken quite seriously by many. Incidently, there is a galactic alignment scheduled to occur about that same time which could unleash a myriad of unpleasant natural cataclysmic events. The solar event may be so powerful that it causes the magnetic field of the earth to be disrupted. Well, that just sounds pretty bad! Climactic changes, volcanic eruptions, you know, all the stuff that succeeds a magnetic disruption.

That said, I think we all need to just get down to the brass tacks of living our lives the way we find most satisfying. I hope that 2009 is just everything that our little hearts desire. My year has certainly started with a bang. Only the 13th, and I have had several promising dates. If we only have 4 more years of fun before things turn icky I don't think we want to waste too much time.

Speaking of wasted time, I have gone cold turkey since January 1st not having any communication with the ex boyfriend. This is a decision that has been made at least 50 times before but really seems to be sticking this time--thanks heavens! It may be true that as long we keep one foot in the past, we can't manifest a good wholesome future.

My big endeavor is to mindful about who I am attracting into my life. At times I have been somewhat cavalier about whom I have dated. It can be difficult to get a feel for how balanced a person is unless there are glaring deeds such as past arrest records and narcotics in the glove box. It isn't easy to quantify someones worthiness. Don't forget to bring a psychologist's intake form on all dates!

Love is like an exploding cigar that we willingly smoke!